Facial hair hazard to high school harmony

There comes a time in a young man’s life around the time that he discovers girls, how perpetually dumb his parents are, and how hilarious he finds Seth Rogen, that he makes another crucial discovery. There is hair growing on his face.

This new and exciting feature of his changing body is at first frightening, next fascinating but soon forgotten because a new Seth Rogen film has come out in the six seconds he has been looking in the mirror.

Later, however, he will remember the existence of these tiny facial follicles. They may become thicker, wirier, darker, fuller and manlier, or possibly just really gross. But with a little care, love and plenty of water and sunshine, the young man may soon grow his very own facial hair.

The motivations behind such a pursuit are many and vary from widely from person to person.

Some simply do not have a choice. Some would like to keep their faces warm. Some have a funny looking chin. Some want to emulate their hairy idols. Regardless of the modus operandi, beards, moustaches, and sideburns flourish wherever men are found.

High school in particular is a fascinating sample population to study when examining the nature of facial hair.

While certainly not as prolific as in other demographics, what these furry men lack in numbers they certainly make up for in uniqueness. Beards, moustaches and sideburns find their way onto the face of many a teenager and these teens bear classification.

I would like to start with those well endowed in the area of furry mugs. Due to overactive pituitary glands, neglect or over exposure to flannel, these young men sport facial hair in abundance.

Such future Bee Gees are apt to flaunt their facial hair around the less gifted, humiliating the hairless with their thick face manes. Young men like these are the veritable Hairtocracy of the school. Despite often being mistaken as teachers, loggers or small bears, they wear their hair with pride.

With such thick, full-bodied beards, these Hairistocrats have numerous styling options at their disposal.

The Hussein is inadvisable at best, the Gandalf is majestic and elegant and the creepy cousin the “neck beard” constantly causes women fear for their lives. This crowd tends to neglect the more subtle stylings available, such as soul patches, moustaches and the like, instead choosing to exploit the sheer abundance of their beardage. Results vary.

However, some groom themselves in a more conscientious manner, as lately, bushy beards have become de rigueur among the indie set.

Acts such as Bon Iver, Dan Auerbach of The Black Keys, Fleet Foxes, and TV on the Radio all sport impressive face rugs. Some of this trend has even leaked into the mainstream.

For example, Kanye West, now able to afford sunglasses with actual lenses, has been seen rocking a bushy beard, in imitataion of his indie idols.

However, if you were unable to keep up with all of my name-dropping, the hipster look may not be for you. I would suggest something more classic and timeless.

Try accessorizing your abundant facial hair with plaid, boots and stocking caps.

You may soon find yourself looking like a rugged mountain man, the fun uncle of a rugged mountain man or D.B. Cooper.  This new look might inspire you to take up hiking, explore the wilderness, preserve the environment or shave.

Regardless of the outcome, pursuing your inner mountain-man via beard can be a rewarding and valuable experience, provided you do not enjoy the company of women. Right below their full-bearded counterparts on the totem pole come those who aspire to the throne of wooliness, the Beard-geoisie to the Hairistocrats. These few proud men (and very few, very ashamed women), are still working their way up the hairy ladder. Whether simply less well endowed, still developing or merely neglectful of basic hygiene, these men don scruffy to moderate beardage.

People in this group are likely to experiment with different combinations of wispy to gnarly moustaches, sideburns and goatees. You can often find such young men stroking their facial hair, bragging about how long it took them to grow it or freaking out girls.

Some talented men can accomplish all three, all while managing to look like an under aged hobo. Though many may be accused of having “dirty faces” or “ewww,” they still wear their fuzz with pride. Many know that they are moving up in this hairy world, and console themselves with the fact that they do not belong in the last, much looked down upon group.

Predictably, those in this final group have little to no such follicles. Hairless. Bald. Pre-pubescent. These people have no impressive facial fixtures and are very aware of it. It is not that they simply shave it off; they could not grow a beard if they shot up Rogaine.

Often this is just a starting place, a place one usually escapes by sophomore year. But some languish there. These teens are very conscious of their lacking.

While others are in the act of comparing their manly follicles, the hairless are known to sit alone in the corner and weep softly. This behavior is especially common during such times as “Moustache March” and “No Shave November,” holidays designed by the bearded to shame beardless.

I, sadly, must admit that I belong to this very group.

For those of you who do not know me personally, and have not set eyes upon my smooth visage, I must tell you. The situation is dire.

At last census, the number of hairs on my chinny-chin-chin was comparable to that of a middle-aged naked mole-rat who takes daily baths in Nair.

I have to shave so infrequently, that the only time I get razors and shaving cream is at Christmas every year. Even then, I only shave for lack of other manly things to do.

From hairless to scruffy to bear-like, teens can be seen sporting almost any kind of facial hair you can imagine. Whether woodsy, hip or just plain gross, there is no stopping young men and their beards. We must learn to accept these wooly teens, as they are not going away anytime soon.

And if we cannot deal with it, we can always shave them in their sleep.